The Passion of Tez

I will never be like anyone else. I am more than even I understand. I am not better, great, or any of those things. I am just me. I am raw, stripped down, and all in. Take it or leave it... that's me. And I don't think anyone can handle that... or love me truly or completely. Ever.

Merry Christmas!

What You See Is What You Get

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

I am excited about my 21 hour road trip back from San Diego! It will be a BLAST! San Diego to Flagstaff to Albuquerque to Shamrock to OKC! I will be making CDs on Sunday so that I have some good JAMS for the very long trip. I hope the weather isn't too bad and we make it back safely! I hate driving on icy roads! But luckily we won't be doing too much driving at night.

I was listening to the above song and I started laughing. It sounds like all of my past relationships that went well. I guess it was only that way with the people I actually cared about. I feel bad because now I don't feel as passionate when it comes to relationships. I think I will eventually, I just have to get back to that place mentally. I am no longer bitter so that is definitely good. I am just kind of here right now.

I am excited about Christmas and everything coming up soon!

The Bee's Knees

Excited about my flight to San Diego on Monday!!!

Leading the One Man Revolution

(Missy Higgins live in KC -- The greatest Night of my life... nobody even knows)

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

Too often we are afraid of doing things that may rock the boat, or cause a ripple effect. Simply, we need to do what makes us happy. As long as you aren't hurting yourself or someone else -- then it is what it is. Sometimes we have to stop being afraid. We all make bad choices, some of us stick around in those bad decisions because are afraid of finding what is really out there. Maybe we are afraid of taking a chance, a risk, and failing or being let down.

I can't live like that anymore. I was so afraid of taking a risk at one point in my life, so I let go and moved on. I made probably the two worst decisions of my life consequently. However, I am now where I am today -- thinking how I think, feeling how I feel, doing what I do. I don't have skeletons in my closet. It is what it is. I dated someone that was too young for me and I learned my lesson. But it is what it is.

Now I am listening to everyone, my friends, my family -- and they think I am lost because I have been alone for almost a year now. They think I don't have shit figured out or that I know what my plan is. But I still have a plan. I still know exactly where I am in life and what I am going to be doing with my life. That is not the problem. So instead of trying to appease everyone's insecurities, I am going to keep doing what I am doing... being a real rock'n'rolla. I am half-way to making it all happen.

"SO WHAT IF RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS WRONG?
IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!!!
IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD..."

I am not longer afraid of feeling how I feel.

Everyone should listen to the Sheryl Crow song... and they should enjoy every single time that she begins singing the chorus and how passionate she really sounds. And the lyrics are so true -- if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.

Now for me, I am going to go work out like I used to do. I am going to sweat, burn, and love it. I am going to have little league practice, and then I am going to come home listen to music LOUDLY in my headphones, and then go to sleep... alone.

I grew up looking for my Annabel Lee... f--- that. She can come find me.

It's about that time...

The Neighborhood - “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

My love is like a blanket...

I watched a British film the other day, because that is what I do. There was this little speech of sorts that this guy gives at the end. He said:

"Neither one of you two know anything about women... The rest of us, I mean we just try to do everything by the book. And we're the ones that get shafted. We try to be what they want us to be. Ya know, we become reliable, mature, domesticated. And then what happens? They get bored. That's what happens. If all women really want is a pet, why don't they just buy a fucking Labrador. Well I've had enough being told to shit, and lie down, and roll over, and play dead. From now on, what you see is what you get."

And when I was listening to him say this, something kind of clicked inside of me. I don't know what it was but something made me realize I was in this guys shoes. However, I had stayed there too long, I'd become bitter, but then I didn't snap out of it. It became my mentality. I have been so bitter towards women that I didn't even see it anymore. I used to be such a sweet and loving guy. I used to love to pamper girls, make gifts, bend over backwards for them. I used to "lie down, roll over, and play dead." That was dumb on my part. I fell for the wrong ones. The ones that were too selfish to ever do anything for anyone other than themselves. They expected anything and everyone to look out for them, to take care of them. The sad thing is, they were so bitter and self-absorbed that they think I did something wrong to them. Now granted, back in HS I was a terrible bf. Same as in college. But I was good to these last three and they just used me.

People get burned all of the time, they let go and move on. But it seems like everyone around me, myself included, cannot get past anything anymore. We hold on to everything too long. Well I cut my losses... as of this moment right now. Yeah -- I am alone, but for how long? It's been 8 months and I've learned a lot about myself and about life since then. I am looking for a roommate now, making an offer an a house, and getting ready to start living the life I choose. There is no rush, no matter what happens this year, or next, or the year after... it just doesn't matter. As long as I am happy, proud of my decisions going forward, and loving each moment -- that is all that matters. This is just the start, it's not the finish line.

PS. MB -- you are a terrible friend but I love you more than you will ever know! See you soon.

Mariella, Mariella...

But Mariella just crossed her arms
As she walked up the stairs
And she went into her bedroom
And she sat on her bed
And she looked in the mirror
And she thought to herself
"If I wanna play, I can play with me
If I wanna think, I'll think in my head"

At school, Mariella didn't have many friends
Yeah the girls they all looked at her
And they thought she was quite strange
And the boys they're not really into girls at that age
And the teachers, they thought Mariella was just going through a phase.
But Mariella just smiled as she skipped down the road
Because she knew all the secrets in her world
Yes, she always got the crossword puzzle right everyday
And she could do the alphabet backwards
Without making any mistakes
  

As I embark on my daily journey of self-reflection and worldly awareness, I often find myself thinking about what could be in the future. I reflect of what has happened and why. I often wonder about relationships -- why they always fail. And I know that most people hate thinking about these things and when they do, their memories are a little skewed. I can be honest with myself. I am somewhat of a dick. I made up my own hand signal for asshole because I can be a HUGE one. My relationships failed because I let them. I often feel like I can do better, like I am not getting enough in return from this relationship. Most people only look at that statement and expect that I am referring to sex. This is not the case. I need intellectual stimulation. I hate dull conversations and I despise stupid things. I hate reality television and shows like gilmore girls. The fact that they have lifetime television for women really bothers me. But then again, I have grown over the past two years. I understand women need that channel. Just like a man needs ESPN. But two years ago, I needed more. I needed conversations that didn't start off about this person or that person, that didn't correlate with a weekly television schedule or what was gonna happen this week. I needed my mind to be worked with ideas of realism and possibilities. I love discussing religion, science, politics. I do because everyone's view of these topics are different. I don't need to be persuaded or argued with about them... I love conversations that explore these topics. And it is hard to find conversations that are like that. Too many people are uncomfortable with these things -- they have to stay in their shell or they feel vulnerable. It's okay, but that's just not for me.

But I am getting older and thinking to myself about life, my future, what happens next. There are no answers to seek. Life is a big unknown that one has to live and reflect on after the fact. I have, however, come to the conclusion that I am happiest when I am alone. I hate to admit it because I wonder if I will spend the next 63 years alone or if I will actually have the opportunity to check off number one and two on my lists of things to do in this life: 1) Be the greatest dad ever. 2) Be the greatest husband ever.  I don't know. And that is okay, I just know if it happens, I will be able to be those two things, no doubt. But until then, I will accept the fact that I love being alone. I love going places alone -- the movies, driving, dinner, Chicago... it doesn't matter. I love to be alone. I love listening to music, thinking about all kinds of crazy topics and researching them. I love being optimistic and telling myself that things are always going to end up okay. I love playing video games if I feel like it, or going to sleep at 930PM if I feel like it. It is okay to be alone. I have accepted this. I find that I am strongest, wisest, happiest when I am alone.

Now I know that eventually I will find someone that allows me to be all of these things and more with her in my life. But until then, I am flying solo on this one. And I will enjoy it; music up,  windows down, smile on my face.

I love my life, and I look forward to my destination -- wherever it may be.

You have to find the humor in it all...

People in this world never cease to amaze me. I firmly believe life is all about the small things. The little gestures people do for each other. People throw words around and say things that are so hateful and yet expect there not to be any repercussions from it.  People need to learn that as a society, a culture, we have to learn to be more loving, more kind. Hate is stronger now than I believe it has ever been. Because in previous era's -- there was hate. But people saw this as wrong and did something about it. We are so desensitized to hate that we see it and it's the norm. We don't feel this inner desire to change anything. We just see it, shrug our shoulders, and walk away. I know this is a broad statement and some people do things about it. I know I care enough and will step in and try to stop anything of that nature. Nobody can get along with everybody, but we have to at least be intelligent enough to understand that people can be different from us and it is okay. We don't have to understand it, like it, or agree with it -- but we have to learn to accept it.

So be wise with your words, your actions, your emotions. Don't burn bridges and expect to rebuild them minutes later. There are repercussions for everything that we do. Sometimes terrible, sometimes the fallout is good. Only your actions can determine that. Nobody is perfect, but strive for perfection.

I hope everyone finds something to laugh about today. Enjoy the small things... make the small things a big deal, even if people think that is dumb. Enjoy it. The new faces, the new smiles, the new feelings. Turn the page and start writing a new chapter in your life. You are the author -- never forget that.