Yeah I know I'm sleeping cos this dream is too amazing!

Sometimes I feel like sayin' "Lord I just don't care!"

... But you've got the love I need to see me through."

Tell me now, where was my fault...

... in loving you with my whole heart.

I didn't think I wanted you...

Why'd you sing with me at all...

Damien Rice's Delicate is one of my favorite songs EVER. It moves me in a way that few songs can. And as passionate as I am about music, this song takes it to a whole other level. Here is Damien Rice performing it a couple different times, as well as an awesome cover by some guy on YouTube.

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness. So the darkness I became.

The Dog Days are Over. The Dog Days are Done.

I have been a prisoner of my own circumstance. I seek freedom. I seek my own personal discipline to get myself to the point I want to be. It is going to be tough, not fun, and not enjoyable. The means justify the ends; especially in this situation. I believe in myself and I have the faith I need to get through the tough days. I am going to need help though. And I am hoping that it goes well. I figure to achieve my goals by July 1, 2011.  The other portion of this problem will be dealt with as well. I am eager to get past it. And I am soooooo damn close. This song makes me smile and pushes me to stay strong, to stay on the path, and to achieve this dream. The happiness and blessings that await me will be amazing!

Turn it up when listening to this song...

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run 

This is the deep and dying breath...

I passed my motorcycle tests and am now officially licensed. To celebrate, I went home and mowed my yard. 

As I was mowing - I felt complete. I am painting my hallway this weekend!
I'm painting it Yankee Blue like my door. It will be different.

I am also going to try and figure out a color I want to paint my living room...

I am thinking either a tan or a green color.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

For the tiniest moment, it's all not true...

This song has been my favorite song about mistakes... I will forever remember driving down 81st street and being stuck in traffic. You had the windows down, sunroof open, and I was driving your car. You were just chillin' with your feet on the dash and your arm out of the window. 

Whenever I think of spending my life with someone -- I think of that moment. 

"Most of what I remember, makes me sure, 

I should have stopped you from walking out that door. 

You could be happy, I hope you are.
You made me happier than I had been, by far."

I'll be fine once I get it; I'll be gooooooood!

I Don’t Care; Hand On The Wheel; Drivin Drunk; I’m Doin’ My Thing
Rollin The Midwest Side And Out Livin’ My Life Getting’ Out Dreams
People Told Me Slow My RoLL I’m Screaming Out "Fuck Thaat!!"
Imma Do Just What I Want Lookin’ Ahead No Turnin’ Back
If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived It To The Fullest

Here is to the beauty of the unknown...

Sometimes I feel like it is cheating on a test; having been here before. I thank God for His many blessings. He has given me so much my entire life; whether it be through just experiences or by actual things. I take all things in; some go right back out. Some things soak in; cling to me; become a part of who I am. I thank Him for that. I thank Him for allowing me to question and to explore my own mind. And there are times when I KNOW I've been here before; that I've been given a second or third chance for me to get it right. And I love how there are so many available options, routes, detours, possibilities. But then sometimes I smile knowing there is only one option. Because whether I like it or not, I know that's exactly where I am supposed to be and even if I know a storm is coming - I stand firm knowing You will be there right by my side.


Sometimes I walk a path I know I've walked but that I didn't make the right decisions before. And I feel that internal battle often: the one where I am supposed to go right but I always go wrong. I don't know how many lives it has taken me to get to this point, but here I am. And I am going right this time. My faith in you is stronger than it has ever been and I know that you feel that. I know that you know I am winning this internal battle between good and evil. But my heart is yours and I am going to make mistakes but I won't go astray... not again.

It's been a while.

"Love is watching someone die..."

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I sometimes feel like I am a machine, ya know? Like maybe God is molding me as I go and he is shaping me each and every day with every situation to create something... special? big? unique? I don't know. Maybe I might be a failure, there a ton of failures in the world. How is one individual to know whether he will or will not be a failure until all is said and done? Nobody can. You do your best and hope you come out of the downfalls of life with your head held high and your pride still intact. I finally feel like I have been lifted out of that rut I was in. And I will give credit where credit is due. I did nothing but put my Faith in God. I honestly did that. I prayed more, I grew closer to Him, and I stopped doubting Him. I stopped feeling like I was doomed or that I had no control over anything. 

We all have control over our lives... by either having Faith and enjoying life or by trying to control every aspect of our lives and losing ourselves in our own garbage. I've learned to do better than that... I prayed last week. 

A lot has been going well for me lately and I prayed that if it is the right time that eventually I will find love. Not just the usual. I am in a place now where I want to devote myself to someone. I remember what it was like back in college when I did that. Every weekend was planned, weeknights were relaxed, and I would dress up on Fridays to go out to dinner. I hated dressing up, but I did it because I was in love and it wasn't just about me anymore. I want to find that again. It may not be this year or next, but I pray that when the time is right, God will bless me with that kind of love again; the lasting kind. I am ready to share my life with one person forever. I am not bitter anymore, I am not sad anymore, I am not lost anymore. 

And now I will continue to work and enjoy some amazing music... would you expect anything less?

"Call, break my own heart..."

Buying a house... hasn't been too stressful at all really. I know there is a lot that kind of goes into it. But it appears as long as you have online banking and a good realtor -- things are pretty easy.

I am in a tight situation it appears. I just don't feel "it"... whatever "it" may be.

Maybe it's cos you are too wild, too contemporary. I may be very opened minded when it comes to other people's decisions... but for me, I am old school. That's just how I roll.

It's not that I don't think she is awesome... cos she is. She is an awesome friend... probably the better of the friends I've had in recent years. But I just don't think we are supposed to "be" together. 

And then there is her. She gutted me like a fish with just a hello. I loved it. And I think of her often, so new, so refreshing, so not my type. I already know how its going to play out and I dig that. It is just going to take a little time and all will be well. 

Until then... I'll enjoy doing my own thing.

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

These moments are as rare as rare can be.

Simply, I lose something each time.

But I feel like I know the ending to this story...

Because I have been writing it my whole life.

Over you, Over you...

So last night was probably the most amazing night I have ever experienced!

I am so thankful for the friends I have,

the amazing people I meet,

and all the love we all show each other.

I really enjoyed last night's show.

The fans were awesome,

The atmosphere was awesome,

and it was LOUD!

I really enjoyed moving back from the front row. I was right up front but all the people right behind me that were my friends were a lot shorter than me. As soon as T&S came up, I moved back.

I was about 10 rows or more back when it all was said or done.

However, I knew that I had made so many more people's experiences that much better.

That is all that mattered to me.

I've seen them a few times now,

I have the tattoos.

I am a true fan.

I wanted other people to have the opportunity to get up front and enjoy the gift of music.

I truly thank God for the entire experience.

I know that lifestyle is supposedly frowned upon in the bible.

But my heart, my faith belongs to the Lord.

And I love everyone, regardless of who they love.

That is why I don't see anything wrong with it.

I love being around my friends

and meeting so many new people who share that love for music,

for Tegan and Sara.

I am walking a new path with my God.

I am forgiven,

and I love it!

Still walking...

I am extremely excited about everything going on in my life right now. I have a lot going on, a lot of pressure, but good pressure. I am looking at houses seriously now. I know it's going to take a lot of work and I am extremely excited about that! So that's what I am in the process of doing now. I know with His guidance, it will all work out.






I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world 
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

"Walk..."

I was thinking for the longest time that what I was doing
was not what God wanted me to do.
And then I over analyzed it.

I spent too much time trying to figure out what God had planned for me.

I spent too much time trying to convince myself that this was right,

or no this was wrong,

or no wait again,

maybe I was right.

Then I didn't know which was right or wrong.

The other morning I was sitting on my computer chair...

and my door opened. It didn't just pop open.

It actually opened up and swung open.

It wasn't violent or fast...

it looked as though someone opened the door and walked in.

Now -- my bedroom door is broken and jacked up. 

It doesn't close half the time anyway. 

But then it dawned on me;

It wasn't that I was so far gone that God had let me fall by the wayside.

It wasn't that God didn't care.

It was that I was too far in my head to just listen.

I spent so much time trying to talk for Him and not listen to Him.

So I listened.

I put my Faith in Him,

and KNEW that no matter what happened

it would all work out for the best.

I don't fill my voids with people now.

I don't try to convince myself that I am this terrible person for what I've done.

I am not terrible in any way, shape, or form.

I am me. 

I am not perfect, but I bring energy and light into a room.
I am strong and passionate.

I am sensitive and awesome.

I have found my Faith again.

I have finally heard His voice.

I will push forward being strong and loving.
I will not let people belittle me or condemn my own choices.

That is between me and my maker.

I am selling my old motorcycle today, if it isn't raining.

I am ordering my Harley next month once I get my new living situation figured out.

And I am going to ride, ride, ride...

and feel the joy of living this life.

I loved the movie "Whip It."

Which takes me to the point that I no longer let movies guide me through life. 

I was a fool for that.
Movies are just movies.
I can now turn off my brain and just enjoy movies.

I love it.

I love life.

I feel so alive.

2 Corinthians 5:7

"That ain't me."

Some things are inevitable it may appear. 

The grass will turn green,

the clouds eventually go away, 

and when it is supposed to happen it will.

I have become such a more patient,

more understanding person this last year.

I, however, am still very stubborn.

I know there are certain people that will never be out of my life.

I shouldn't try and fight it.

Pieces of my heart will forever belong to certain people.

In the meantime, I am selling my Tahoe.

I am actually going to do it. 

I am very excited about that.

"Walk by faith, not by sight."

Obtainable Goals

I have a list of obtainable goals

for the first half of 2010. 

I think that they are goals that will get me to a place in my life that I will be very, very happy.

Goal 1:     Upgrade Motorcycle to H-D 1200 Nightster

Goal 2:     Sell my Tahoe

Goal 3:     Ride to Stillwater on old Route 66 for some cheese fries at Joe's.

Goal 4:     Get paid $**,***/ year or find a job that will pay me $**,*** per year.

Goal 5:     Get my own place to live.

Goal 6:     Get 3 more tattoos.

Goal 7:     Convince myself that I am worth forever.

Goal 9:     Go to at least two great shows.

Goal 10:   Never settle, always be honest, and to "walk by faith, not by sight."

A League of Her Own

So even though I am pretty much a broken down individual with a lot of self-fulling goals but not dreams that really include another person...

I feel like I need to evaluate that. Right now I only have two things I want to do in this life... snowboard and spend two weeks to a month in London. That's it really.

In order to make those two things happen, I have to make more money, spend my current money more efficiently, and just be smart about everything I do. The funny thing is...

I might want to change up my life goals. Obviously I will not delete those two things or erase them from my list... and London will always be my number one goal. However, an old friend told me I was faulty. And I am. I am too self-absorbed for my own good. Now there is a fine line there. For example, there is a difference between being self-absorbed and expecting fair compensation for all that one does at work. But that is a different situation entirely. But at least my boss was honest enough to tell me she was going to work me to death for at least two years before I would quit... as she jokingly walked away.

Honestly though, I want to stop living for myself. I don't want to be the burden or the puzzle missing a piece. I want to be the missing piece of the puzzle -- I want to complete someone. I want someone to LIGHT UP when they see me and not fight with me and not make me hate myself every time I see them.  I want to grow up a little bit. I know I can. But I just haven't had that person in my life that made me want to be better at anything. I've just been able to coast along and be mediocre me but still make people think I am better than I am. My intellectual mind sometimes burdens me and holds me back. Realizing that perception was reality my Freshman year in college made me really be able to take advantage of reality and situations in it. I don't want to do that. I want to meet someone that really pushes me to that next level. I've been stagnant since Ashley left me. I've just been a lazy ass. Not anymore...

"You gotta do what your heart tells you to do. Let me tell you somethin' right now. You're only allowed three great women in your lifetime. They come along like the great fighters, every ten years. Rocky Marciano. Sugar Ray Robinson. Joe Louis. Sometimes you get 'em all at once. Me? I had my three when I was 16. That happens. What are you gonna do? That's the way it goes, you know? Tell you right now. See this girl? Maybe this girl, she put wind in your sails. Maybe she's your first great one." 

23 January 2010 -- Reborn

Irony... yeah, it's ironic.

Everything changes so fast these days. I have never been one that didn't like change. I always have seen change as an opportunity. I mean, that's even in the bad situations like when I got laid off from AOL and such. I never saw that as a bad thing because I always felt like when things like that happened -- I would only better myself. Now that currently isn't the case with me, but with all the changes I still feel like this is an opportunity for me to better myself. The only difference is that this time I am staying! It's completely new situation for me, but I like it.

Now the one thing I don't like, (which just shows how selfish the human race has become) is when you are tested or put in a situation that tests your gusto -- people shutdown and just let others down. They put themselves in a box and say, "screw everyone else."

I don't understand why people have become this way. In my head, when things like that happen -- I see what I can do to help others and also take on as much as I possibly can without failing. I guess I'll never see the world in another person's eyes.

Good movies are coming out soon... I am excited about that. I hope to find a part-time job since wrestling is over. Hopefully until I make enough money at one job that I don't have to work two jobs to make rent.

Yeah, I'm grown.

It is almost my 26th birthday... and there is much that I have learned thus far in my life. For example, I only know what I want because I don't have it and I am only intelligent because of what I do not know.

Life is funny to me sometimes. People talk to you about loyalty and about trust...respect. At work I continue to grow my position and am continually asked to do more. This makes me smile because I love responsibility and I love to prove myself through my work. However, I am only paid $1.50 more than a damn tech at our clinic that has only worked there one year (like myself) and is lazy. You know there are rumors that have been going around that people have walked in on them and such... and I didn't believe them -- but now maybe I do. I mean, I have a four-year degree in Business Management with minors in International Business and also Marketing. Now... when I graduated I was proud of this. I was like damn, I just graduated college. Now that I've been out of school for 4 years -- I now realize that it doesn't make two shits. What does a business degree even mean anymore? The morons that had them before me drove our country into a recession. And now we are like the lepers of American society. Thanks a lot for that Wall Street.

I smile though because everyone keeps telling me that in "ten" years everything will be exactly how I want it because I am "SUCH a hard worker." But you know what I have learned... [some dogs are too loyal... but we never had a choice].