Here is to the beauty of the unknown...

Sometimes I feel like it is cheating on a test; having been here before. I thank God for His many blessings. He has given me so much my entire life; whether it be through just experiences or by actual things. I take all things in; some go right back out. Some things soak in; cling to me; become a part of who I am. I thank Him for that. I thank Him for allowing me to question and to explore my own mind. And there are times when I KNOW I've been here before; that I've been given a second or third chance for me to get it right. And I love how there are so many available options, routes, detours, possibilities. But then sometimes I smile knowing there is only one option. Because whether I like it or not, I know that's exactly where I am supposed to be and even if I know a storm is coming - I stand firm knowing You will be there right by my side.


Sometimes I walk a path I know I've walked but that I didn't make the right decisions before. And I feel that internal battle often: the one where I am supposed to go right but I always go wrong. I don't know how many lives it has taken me to get to this point, but here I am. And I am going right this time. My faith in you is stronger than it has ever been and I know that you feel that. I know that you know I am winning this internal battle between good and evil. But my heart is yours and I am going to make mistakes but I won't go astray... not again.

It's been a while.

"Love is watching someone die..."

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I sometimes feel like I am a machine, ya know? Like maybe God is molding me as I go and he is shaping me each and every day with every situation to create something... special? big? unique? I don't know. Maybe I might be a failure, there a ton of failures in the world. How is one individual to know whether he will or will not be a failure until all is said and done? Nobody can. You do your best and hope you come out of the downfalls of life with your head held high and your pride still intact. I finally feel like I have been lifted out of that rut I was in. And I will give credit where credit is due. I did nothing but put my Faith in God. I honestly did that. I prayed more, I grew closer to Him, and I stopped doubting Him. I stopped feeling like I was doomed or that I had no control over anything. 

We all have control over our lives... by either having Faith and enjoying life or by trying to control every aspect of our lives and losing ourselves in our own garbage. I've learned to do better than that... I prayed last week. 

A lot has been going well for me lately and I prayed that if it is the right time that eventually I will find love. Not just the usual. I am in a place now where I want to devote myself to someone. I remember what it was like back in college when I did that. Every weekend was planned, weeknights were relaxed, and I would dress up on Fridays to go out to dinner. I hated dressing up, but I did it because I was in love and it wasn't just about me anymore. I want to find that again. It may not be this year or next, but I pray that when the time is right, God will bless me with that kind of love again; the lasting kind. I am ready to share my life with one person forever. I am not bitter anymore, I am not sad anymore, I am not lost anymore. 

And now I will continue to work and enjoy some amazing music... would you expect anything less?