"When food is gone, you are my daily meal."

Yeah I know I'm sleeping cos this dream is too amazing!

2010-10-31T15:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like sayin' "Lord I just don't care!"

2010-10-01T18:24:00.000-05:00

... But you've got the love I need to see me through."

Tell me now, where was my fault...

2010-10-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

... in loving you with my whole heart.

I didn't think I wanted you...

2010-08-24T05:04:00.000-05:00

Why'd you sing with me at all...

2010-08-18T10:35:00.002-05:00

Damien Rice's Delicate is one of my favorite songs EVER. It moves me in a way that few songs can. And as passionate as I am about music, this song takes it to a whole other level. Here is Damien Rice performing it a couple different times, as well as an awesome cover by some guy on YouTube.

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness. So the darkness I became.

2010-08-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

The Dog Days are Over. The Dog Days are Done.

2010-08-16T08:36:00.000-05:00

I have been a prisoner of my own circumstance. I seek freedom. I seek my own personal discipline to get myself to the point I want to be. It is going to be tough, not fun, and not enjoyable. The means justify the ends; especially in this situation. I believe in myself and I have the faith I need to get through the tough days. I am going to need help though. And I am hoping that it goes well. I figure to achieve my goals by July 1, 2011. The other portion of this problem will be dealt with as well. I am eager to get past it. And I am soooooo damn close. This song makes me smile and pushes me to stay strong, to stay on the path, and to achieve this dream. The happiness and blessings that await me will be amazing!

Turn it up when listening to this song...

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

This is the deep and dying breath...

2010-07-02T09:53:00.001-05:00

I passed my motorcycle tests and am now officially licensed. To celebrate, I went home and mowed my yard.

As I was mowing - I felt complete. I am painting my hallway this weekend!
I'm painting it Yankee Blue like my door. It will be different.

I am also going to try and figure out a color I want to paint my living room...

I am thinking either a tan or a green color.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

For the tiniest moment, it's all not true...

2010-06-30T09:48:00.000-05:00

This song has been my favorite song about mistakes... I will forever remember driving down 81st street and being stuck in traffic. You had the windows down, sunroof open, and I was driving your car. You were just chillin' with your feet on the dash and your arm out of the window.

Whenever I think of spending my life with someone -- I think of that moment.

"Most of what I remember, makes me sure,

I should have stopped you from walking out that door.

You could be happy, I hope you are.
You made me happier than I had been, by far."

I'll be fine once I get it; I'll be gooooooood!

2010-06-19T19:33:00.005-05:00

I Don’t Care; Hand On The Wheel; Drivin Drunk; I’m Doin’ My Thing
Rollin The Midwest Side And Out Livin’ My Life Getting’ Out Dreams
People Told Me Slow My RoLL I’m Screaming Out "Fuck Thaat!!"
Imma Do Just What I Want Lookin’ Ahead No Turnin’ Back
If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived It To The Fullest

Here is to the beauty of the unknown...

2010-05-27T09:51:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like it is cheating on a test; having been here before. I thank God for His many blessings. He has given me so much my entire life; whether it be through just experiences or by actual things. I take all things in; some go right back out. Some things soak in; cling to me; become a part of who I am. I thank Him for that. I thank Him for allowing me to question and to explore my own mind. And there are times when I KNOW I've been here before; that I've been given a second or third chance for me to get it right. And I love how there are so many available options, routes, detours, possibilities. But then sometimes I smile knowing there is only one option. Because whether I like it or not, I know that's exactly where I am supposed to be and even if I know a storm is coming - I stand firm knowing You will be there right by my side.

Sometimes I walk a path I know I've walked but that I didn't make the right decisions before. And I feel that internal battle often: the one where I am supposed to go right but I always go wrong. I don't know how many lives it has taken me to get to this point, but here I am. And I am going right this time. My faith in you is stronger than it has ever been and I know that you feel that. I know that you know I am winning this internal battle between good and evil. But my heart is yours and I am going to make mistakes but I won't go astray... not again.

It's been a while.

2010-05-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

"Love is watching someone die..."

Yesterday was a brilliant day. I sometimes feel like I am a machine, ya know? Like maybe God is molding me as I go and he is shaping me each and every day with every situation to create something... special? big? unique? I don't know. Maybe I might be a failure, there a ton of failures in the world. How is one individual to know whether he will or will not be a failure until all is said and done? Nobody can. You do your best and hope you come out of the downfalls of life with your head held high and your pride still intact. I finally feel like I have been lifted out of that rut I was in. And I will give credit where credit is due. I did nothing but put my Faith in God. I honestly did that. I prayed more, I grew closer to Him, and I stopped doubting Him. I stopped feeling like I was doomed or that I had no control over anything.

We all have control over our lives... by either having Faith and enjoying life or by trying to control every aspect of our lives and losing ourselves in our own garbage. I've learned to do better than that... I prayed last week.

A lot has been going well for me lately and I prayed that if it is the right time that eventually I will find love. Not just the usual. I am in a place now where I want to devote myself to someone. I remember what it was like back in college when I did that. Every weekend was planned, weeknights were relaxed, and I would dress up on Fridays to go out to dinner. I hated dressing up, but I did it because I was in love and it wasn't just about me anymore. I want to find that again. It may not be this year or next, but I pray that when the time is right, God will bless me with that kind of love again; the lasting kind. I am ready to share my life with one person forever. I am not bitter anymore, I am not sad anymore, I am not lost anymore.

And now I will continue to work and enjoy some amazing music... would you expect anything less?

"Call, break my own heart..."

2010-03-09T10:02:00.000-06:00

Buying a house... hasn't been too stressful at all really. I know there is a lot that kind of goes into it. But it appears as long as you have online banking and a good realtor -- things are pretty easy.

I am in a tight situation it appears. I just don't feel "it"... whatever "it" may be.

Maybe it's cos you are too wild, too contemporary. I may be very opened minded when it comes to other people's decisions... but for me, I am old school. That's just how I roll.

It's not that I don't think she is awesome... cos she is. She is an awesome friend... probably the better of the friends I've had in recent years. But I just don't think we are supposed to "be" together.

And then there is her. She gutted me like a fish with just a hello. I loved it. And I think of her often, so new, so refreshing, so not my type. I already know how its going to play out and I dig that. It is just going to take a little time and all will be well.

Until then... I'll enjoy doing my own thing.

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

2010-03-04T19:53:00.004-06:00

These moments are as rare as rare can be.

Simply, I lose something each time.

But I feel like I know the ending to this story...

Because I have been writing it my whole life.

Over you, Over you...

2010-02-26T08:31:00.001-06:00

So last night was probably the most amazing night I have ever experienced!

I am so thankful for the friends I have,

the amazing people I meet,

and all the love we all show each other.

I really enjoyed last night's show.

The fans were awesome,

The atmosphere was awesome,

and it was LOUD!

I really enjoyed moving back from the front row. I was right up front but all the people right behind me that were my friends were a lot shorter than me. As soon as T&S came up, I moved back.

I was about 10 rows or more back when it all was said or done.

However, I knew that I had made so many more people's experiences that much better.

That is all that mattered to me.

I've seen them a few times now,

I have the tattoos.

I am a true fan.

I wanted other people to have the opportunity to get up front and enjoy the gift of music.

I truly thank God for the entire experience.

I know that lifestyle is supposedly frowned upon in the bible.

But my heart, my faith belongs to the Lord.

And I love everyone, regardless of who they love.

That is why I don't see anything wrong with it.

I love being around my friends

and meeting so many new people who share that love for music,

for Tegan and Sara.

I am walking a new path with my God.

I am forgiven,

and I love it!

Still walking...

2010-02-25T07:39:00.000-06:00

I am extremely excited about everything going on in my life right now. I have a lot going on, a lot of pressure, but good pressure. I am looking at houses seriously now. I know it's going to take a lot of work and I am extremely excited about that! So that's what I am in the process of doing now. I know with His guidance, it will all work out.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

"Walk..."

2010-02-19T10:05:00.005-06:00

I was thinking for the longest time that what I was doing
was not what God wanted me to do.
And then I over analyzed it.

I spent too much time trying to figure out what God had planned for me.

I spent too much time trying to convince myself that this was right,

or no this was wrong,

or no wait again,

maybe I was right.

Then I didn't know which was right or wrong.

The other morning I was sitting on my computer chair...

and my door opened. It didn't just pop open.

It actually opened up and swung open.

It wasn't violent or fast...

it looked as though someone opened the door and walked in.

Now -- my bedroom door is broken and jacked up.

It doesn't close half the time anyway.

But then it dawned on me;

It wasn't that I was so far gone that God had let me fall by the wayside.

It wasn't that God didn't care.

It was that I was too far in my head to just listen.

I spent so much time trying to talk for Him and not listen to Him.

So I listened.

I put my Faith in Him,

and KNEW that no matter what happened

it would all work out for the best.

I don't fill my voids with people now.

I don't try to convince myself that I am this terrible person for what I've done.

I am not terrible in any way, shape, or form.

I am me.

I am not perfect, but I bring energy and light into a room.
I am strong and passionate.

I am sensitive and awesome.

I have found my Faith again.

I have finally heard His voice.

I will push forward being strong and loving.
I will not let people belittle me or condemn my own choices.

That is between me and my maker.

I am selling my old motorcycle today, if it isn't raining.

I am ordering my Harley next month once I get my new living situation figured out.

And I am going to ride, ride, ride...

and feel the joy of living this life.

I loved the movie "Whip It."

Which takes me to the point that I no longer let movies guide me through life.

I was a fool for that.
Movies are just movies.
I can now turn off my brain and just enjoy movies.

I love it.

I love life.

I feel so alive.

2 Corinthians 5:7

"That ain't me."

2010-02-04T12:20:00.000-06:00

Some things are inevitable it may appear.

The grass will turn green,

the clouds eventually go away,

and when it is supposed to happen it will.

I have become such a more patient,

more understanding person this last year.

I, however, am still very stubborn.

I know there are certain people that will never be out of my life.

I shouldn't try and fight it.

Pieces of my heart will forever belong to certain people.

In the meantime, I am selling my Tahoe.

I am actually going to do it.

I am very excited about that.

"Walk by faith, not by sight."

Obtainable Goals

2010-01-28T15:18:00.007-06:00

I have a list of obtainable goals

for the first half of 2010.

I think that they are goals that will get me to a place in my life that I will be very, very happy.

Goal 1: Upgrade Motorcycle to H-D 1200 Nightster

Goal 2: Sell my Tahoe

Goal 3: Ride to Stillwater on old Route 66 for some cheese fries at Joe's.

Goal 4: Get paid $**,***/ year or find a job that will pay me $**,*** per year.

Goal 5: Get my own place to live.

Goal 6: Get 3 more tattoos.

Goal 7: Convince myself that I am worth forever.

Goal 9: Go to at least two great shows.

Goal 10: Never settle, always be honest, and to "walk by faith, not by sight."

A League of Her Own

2010-01-24T12:40:00.003-06:00

So even though I am pretty much a broken down individual with a lot of self-fulling goals but not dreams that really include another person...

I feel like I need to evaluate that. Right now I only have two things I want to do in this life... snowboard and spend two weeks to a month in London. That's it really.

In order to make those two things happen, I have to make more money, spend my current money more efficiently, and just be smart about everything I do. The funny thing is...

I might want to change up my life goals. Obviously I will not delete those two things or erase them from my list... and London will always be my number one goal. However, an old friend told me I was faulty. And I am. I am too self-absorbed for my own good. Now there is a fine line there. For example, there is a difference between being self-absorbed and expecting fair compensation for all that one does at work. But that is a different situation entirely. But at least my boss was honest enough to tell me she was going to work me to death for at least two years before I would quit... as she jokingly walked away.

Honestly though, I want to stop living for myself. I don't want to be the burden or the puzzle missing a piece. I want to be the missing piece of the puzzle -- I want to complete someone. I want someone to LIGHT UP when they see me and not fight with me and not make me hate myself every time I see them. I want to grow up a little bit. I know I can. But I just haven't had that person in my life that made me want to be better at anything. I've just been able to coast along and be mediocre me but still make people think I am better than I am. My intellectual mind sometimes burdens me and holds me back. Realizing that perception was reality my Freshman year in college made me really be able to take advantage of reality and situations in it. I don't want to do that. I want to meet someone that really pushes me to that next level. I've been stagnant since Ashley left me. I've just been a lazy ass. Not anymore...

"You gotta do what your heart tells you to do. Let me tell you somethin' right now. You're only allowed three great women in your lifetime. They come along like the great fighters, every ten years. Rocky Marciano. Sugar Ray Robinson. Joe Louis. Sometimes you get 'em all at once. Me? I had my three when I was 16. That happens. What are you gonna do? That's the way it goes, you know? Tell you right now. See this girl? Maybe this girl, she put wind in your sails. Maybe she's your first great one."

23 January 2010 -- Reborn

Irony... yeah, it's ironic.

2010-01-20T11:16:00.000-06:00

Everything changes so fast these days. I have never been one that didn't like change. I always have seen change as an opportunity. I mean, that's even in the bad situations like when I got laid off from AOL and such. I never saw that as a bad thing because I always felt like when things like that happened -- I would only better myself. Now that currently isn't the case with me, but with all the changes I still feel like this is an opportunity for me to better myself. The only difference is that this time I am staying! It's completely new situation for me, but I like it.

Now the one thing I don't like, (which just shows how selfish the human race has become) is when you are tested or put in a situation that tests your gusto -- people shutdown and just let others down. They put themselves in a box and say, "screw everyone else."

I don't understand why people have become this way. In my head, when things like that happen -- I see what I can do to help others and also take on as much as I possibly can without failing. I guess I'll never see the world in another person's eyes.

Good movies are coming out soon... I am excited about that. I hope to find a part-time job since wrestling is over. Hopefully until I make enough money at one job that I don't have to work two jobs to make rent.

Yeah, I'm grown.

2010-01-12T09:07:00.001-06:00

It is almost my 26th birthday... and there is much that I have learned thus far in my life. For example, I only know what I want because I don't have it and I am only intelligent because of what I do not know.

Life is funny to me sometimes. People talk to you about loyalty and about trust...respect. At work I continue to grow my position and am continually asked to do more. This makes me smile because I love responsibility and I love to prove myself through my work. However, I am only paid $1.50 more than a damn tech at our clinic that has only worked there one year (like myself) and is lazy. You know there are rumors that have been going around that people have walked in on them and such... and I didn't believe them -- but now maybe I do. I mean, I have a four-year degree in Business Management with minors in International Business and also Marketing. Now... when I graduated I was proud of this. I was like damn, I just graduated college. Now that I've been out of school for 4 years -- I now realize that it doesn't make two shits. What does a business degree even mean anymore? The morons that had them before me drove our country into a recession. And now we are like the lepers of American society. Thanks a lot for that Wall Street.

I smile though because everyone keeps telling me that in "ten" years everything will be exactly how I want it because I am "SUCH a hard worker." But you know what I have learned... [some dogs are too loyal... but we never had a choice].

The Passion of Tez

2009-12-24T14:20:00.000-06:00

I will never be like anyone else. I am more than even I understand. I am not better, great, or any of those things. I am just me. I am raw, stripped down, and all in. Take it or leave it... that's me. And I don't think anyone can handle that... or love me truly or completely. Ever.

Merry Christmas!

What You See Is What You Get

2009-12-08T14:02:00.001-06:00

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you

I am excited about my 21 hour road trip back from San Diego! It will be a BLAST! San Diego to Flagstaff to Albuquerque to Shamrock to OKC! I will be making CDs on Sunday so that I have some good JAMS for the very long trip. I hope the weather isn't too bad and we make it back safely! I hate driving on icy roads! But luckily we won't be doing too much driving at night.

I was listening to the above song and I started laughing. It sounds like all of my past relationships that went well. I guess it was only that way with the people I actually cared about. I feel bad because now I don't feel as passionate when it comes to relationships. I think I will eventually, I just have to get back to that place mentally. I am no longer bitter so that is definitely good. I am just kind of here right now.

I am excited about Christmas and everything coming up soon!

The Bee's Knees

2009-12-08T13:02:00.000-06:00

Excited about my flight to San Diego on Monday!!!

Leading the One Man Revolution

2009-12-01T16:02:00.002-06:00

(Missy Higgins live in KC -- The greatest Night of my life... nobody even knows)

I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimo's rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you french toast again

Well, o.k. I still get stoned
I'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

We've been far, far away from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
And everywhere in between
Well, o.k. we get along
So what if right now everything's wrong?

If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

Too often we are afraid of doing things that may rock the boat, or cause a ripple effect. Simply, we need to do what makes us happy. As long as you aren't hurting yourself or someone else -- then it is what it is. Sometimes we have to stop being afraid. We all make bad choices, some of us stick around in those bad decisions because are afraid of finding what is really out there. Maybe we are afraid of taking a chance, a risk, and failing or being let down.

I can't live like that anymore. I was so afraid of taking a risk at one point in my life, so I let go and moved on. I made probably the two worst decisions of my life consequently. However, I am now where I am today -- thinking how I think, feeling how I feel, doing what I do. I don't have skeletons in my closet. It is what it is. I dated someone that was too young for me and I learned my lesson. But it is what it is.

Now I am listening to everyone, my friends, my family -- and they think I am lost because I have been alone for almost a year now. They think I don't have shit figured out or that I know what my plan is. But I still have a plan. I still know exactly where I am in life and what I am going to be doing with my life. That is not the problem. So instead of trying to appease everyone's insecurities, I am going to keep doing what I am doing... being a real rock'n'rolla. I am half-way to making it all happen.

"SO WHAT IF RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS WRONG?
IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!!!
IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD..."

I am not longer afraid of feeling how I feel.

Everyone should listen to the Sheryl Crow song... and they should enjoy every single time that she begins singing the chorus and how passionate she really sounds. And the lyrics are so true -- if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.

Now for me, I am going to go work out like I used to do. I am going to sweat, burn, and love it. I am going to have little league practice, and then I am going to come home listen to music LOUDLY in my headphones, and then go to sleep... alone.

I grew up looking for my Annabel Lee... f--- that. She can come find me.

It's about that time...

2009-11-26T13:56:00.000-06:00

The Neighborhood - “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”

My love is like a blanket...

2009-11-25T15:29:00.001-06:00

I watched a British film the other day, because that is what I do. There was this little speech of sorts that this guy gives at the end. He said:

"Neither one of you two know anything about women... The rest of us, I mean we just try to do everything by the book. And we're the ones that get shafted. We try to be what they want us to be. Ya know, we become reliable, mature, domesticated. And then what happens? They get bored. That's what happens. If all women really want is a pet, why don't they just buy a fucking Labrador. Well I've had enough being told to shit, and lie down, and roll over, and play dead. From now on, what you see is what you get."

And when I was listening to him say this, something kind of clicked inside of me. I don't know what it was but something made me realize I was in this guys shoes. However, I had stayed there too long, I'd become bitter, but then I didn't snap out of it. It became my mentality. I have been so bitter towards women that I didn't even see it anymore. I used to be such a sweet and loving guy. I used to love to pamper girls, make gifts, bend over backwards for them. I used to "lie down, roll over, and play dead." That was dumb on my part. I fell for the wrong ones. The ones that were too selfish to ever do anything for anyone other than themselves. They expected anything and everyone to look out for them, to take care of them. The sad thing is, they were so bitter and self-absorbed that they think I did something wrong to them. Now granted, back in HS I was a terrible bf. Same as in college. But I was good to these last three and they just used me.

People get burned all of the time, they let go and move on. But it seems like everyone around me, myself included, cannot get past anything anymore. We hold on to everything too long. Well I cut my losses... as of this moment right now. Yeah -- I am alone, but for how long? It's been 8 months and I've learned a lot about myself and about life since then. I am looking for a roommate now, making an offer an a house, and getting ready to start living the life I choose. There is no rush, no matter what happens this year, or next, or the year after... it just doesn't matter. As long as I am happy, proud of my decisions going forward, and loving each moment -- that is all that matters. This is just the start, it's not the finish line.

PS. MB -- you are a terrible friend but I love you more than you will ever know! See you soon.

Mariella, Mariella...

2009-11-16T14:59:00.001-06:00

But Mariella just crossed her arms
As she walked up the stairs
And she went into her bedroom
And she sat on her bed
And she looked in the mirror
And she thought to herself
"If I wanna play, I can play with me
If I wanna think, I'll think in my head"

At school, Mariella didn't have many friends
Yeah the girls they all looked at her
And they thought she was quite strange
And the boys they're not really into girls at that age
And the teachers, they thought Mariella was just going through a phase.
But Mariella just smiled as she skipped down the road
Because she knew all the secrets in her world
Yes, she always got the crossword puzzle right everyday
And she could do the alphabet backwards
Without making any mistakes

As I embark on my daily journey of self-reflection and worldly awareness, I often find myself thinking about what could be in the future. I reflect of what has happened and why. I often wonder about relationships -- why they always fail. And I know that most people hate thinking about these things and when they do, their memories are a little skewed. I can be honest with myself. I am somewhat of a dick. I made up my own hand signal for asshole because I can be a HUGE one. My relationships failed because I let them. I often feel like I can do better, like I am not getting enough in return from this relationship. Most people only look at that statement and expect that I am referring to sex. This is not the case. I need intellectual stimulation. I hate dull conversations and I despise stupid things. I hate reality television and shows like gilmore girls. The fact that they have lifetime television for women really bothers me. But then again, I have grown over the past two years. I understand women need that channel. Just like a man needs ESPN. But two years ago, I needed more. I needed conversations that didn't start off about this person or that person, that didn't correlate with a weekly television schedule or what was gonna happen this week. I needed my mind to be worked with ideas of realism and possibilities. I love discussing religion, science, politics. I do because everyone's view of these topics are different. I don't need to be persuaded or argued with about them... I love conversations that explore these topics. And it is hard to find conversations that are like that. Too many people are uncomfortable with these things -- they have to stay in their shell or they feel vulnerable. It's okay, but that's just not for me.

But I am getting older and thinking to myself about life, my future, what happens next. There are no answers to seek. Life is a big unknown that one has to live and reflect on after the fact. I have, however, come to the conclusion that I am happiest when I am alone. I hate to admit it because I wonder if I will spend the next 63 years alone or if I will actually have the opportunity to check off number one and two on my lists of things to do in this life: 1) Be the greatest dad ever. 2) Be the greatest husband ever. I don't know. And that is okay, I just know if it happens, I will be able to be those two things, no doubt. But until then, I will accept the fact that I love being alone. I love going places alone -- the movies, driving, dinner, Chicago... it doesn't matter. I love to be alone. I love listening to music, thinking about all kinds of crazy topics and researching them. I love being optimistic and telling myself that things are always going to end up okay. I love playing video games if I feel like it, or going to sleep at 930PM if I feel like it. It is okay to be alone. I have accepted this. I find that I am strongest, wisest, happiest when I am alone.

Now I know that eventually I will find someone that allows me to be all of these things and more with her in my life. But until then, I am flying solo on this one. And I will enjoy it; music up, windows down, smile on my face.

I love my life, and I look forward to my destination -- wherever it may be.

You have to find the humor in it all...

2009-11-03T11:20:00.000-06:00

People in this world never cease to amaze me. I firmly believe life is all about the small things. The little gestures people do for each other. People throw words around and say things that are so hateful and yet expect there not to be any repercussions from it. People need to learn that as a society, a culture, we have to learn to be more loving, more kind. Hate is stronger now than I believe it has ever been. Because in previous era's -- there was hate. But people saw this as wrong and did something about it. We are so desensitized to hate that we see it and it's the norm. We don't feel this inner desire to change anything. We just see it, shrug our shoulders, and walk away. I know this is a broad statement and some people do things about it. I know I care enough and will step in and try to stop anything of that nature. Nobody can get along with everybody, but we have to at least be intelligent enough to understand that people can be different from us and it is okay. We don't have to understand it, like it, or agree with it -- but we have to learn to accept it.

So be wise with your words, your actions, your emotions. Don't burn bridges and expect to rebuild them minutes later. There are repercussions for everything that we do. Sometimes terrible, sometimes the fallout is good. Only your actions can determine that. Nobody is perfect, but strive for perfection.

I hope everyone finds something to laugh about today. Enjoy the small things... make the small things a big deal, even if people think that is dumb. Enjoy it. The new faces, the new smiles, the new feelings. Turn the page and start writing a new chapter in your life. You are the author -- never forget that.